Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Frequently Asked Questions

What is a "schlub"?
Buy my book and find out.

Is the girl on the cover your girlfriend?
No! She is the granddaughter of a friend of my dad's. But we wanted someone hot and blonde for the cover art.

Can I get her number?
Sadly, Mia is taken. (At least she was last I heard.)

Does the word "slob" come from "schlub"?
Apparently not. According to Webster's, "slob" is from the Scandinavian word "slab," which means "mud."

What's the proper spelling of "schlub"?
It's the sort of word that you can pick your own spelling. (It's transliterated from Yiddish so you have some flexibility). Leo Rosten, the author of The Joys of Yiddish, spells it with a "z" (zhlub). And I know a lot of older Jews who put an emphasis on the "z" -- but nobody under age 50 says it like that. I think a better case could be made for "shlub" without the "c." I picked "schlub" almost by accident. That was the way the New York Post copy desk decided to spell it when my article "Schlub you the right way" came out. The rest is schistory.

Did you speak to Seth Rogen for this book?
He keeps saying he "lost" my number...

What's the difference between a schlub and a schmuck?
Three words: George. W. Bush.

What about Cheney?
Malevolent force. Black hole in the soul of America. Pure evil. But not a schlub.

Can females be schlubs?
Sure, but they have to really want it. They have certain disadvantages. Most of them smell and dress way better than the average schlub. And they are genetically predisposed to caring about those things more than the average dude. But, yes, there have been women schlubs. Take, say, Golda Meir. Or Fanny Brice. (Both of which are mentioned in my book, From Schlub to Stud.)

Aren't blacks underrepresented?
It's true, African-Americans, on the whole, are way cooler than lame white men. But I think there are definite black schlubs. Fat Albert (who was only half-fictional) was a mega schlub. And I mention Fats Waller in my book. My father holds the looney position that former Washington DC mayor, Marion Barry, is a schlub (for getting caught on camera smoking crack) but I think that that's more a case of being a shlemile than a schlub.

Is there any cure for being a schlub?
Yes, but it requires great commitment. Like being an alcoholic, every day is a struggle. (But why would you want to cure yourself?)

How do I tell if I'm a schlub?
If you have to ask...