Four reasons John Thain should have a living snake shoved up his ass

Former Merrill Lynch top dog, John Thain, was fired this week after it was reported that Merrill suffered more than $15 billion in losses in the fourth quarter of 2008. But, quite frankly, I don't think that's nearly punishment enough.

"But, Max," you say, "aren't you being a little harsh? Isn't every business losing money left and right."

True. But Thain's parting actions richly deserve the attorney general mandated investigation that Andrew Cuomo has green lighted. He has behaved far worse than a schmucky banker riding the hog. The man deserves to be taken out and maimed. Here are four reasons:

1) He recently spent more than $1 million redecorating his office -- which included a $68,000 credenza. (A frickin' credenza!)

2) He asked for between $30 and $40 million in personal bonus money last year, even as Merrill was bleeding money. (He was apparently shamed into forgoing a bonus.)

3) Merrill Lynch is already worth $10 billion less than it was when Bank of America bought it in December.

4) As Merrill Lynch was preparing for a January 1st merger with Bank of America, Thain proceeded to rush out billions of dollars worth of bonus compensation to the screw-up bankers who got America into this mess. (It should be noted that Bank of America is receiving billions of dollars in bailout money from Washington to help finance the deal.)

Point 4) is the only really relevant point. Your tax dollars went to giving a new Mercedes to some Merrill Lynch hotshot. These are the moments when one really does feel the Marxist urge to march the capitalist swine into the streets and shoot them right between the eyes.

It was argued to me today (by my father of all people!) that Thain needed to give out those bonuses; that Merrill Lynch needs to retain its talent. That bankers factor in bonuses as part of their compensation and took their jobs in good faith that their salary was only one part of their income.

You'll pardon my French, but give me a fucking break.

Yes, I know a lot of professionals who are unhappy that they didn't get their bonuses this year. But, quite frankly, they're lucky to have a job. Where, exactly, do these Merrill Lynch boys think they'll go if they don't get a bonus this year? Is anyone -- and I mean anyone -- hiring right now? Of course not. These Merrill boys would have done what everyone else has done had they gotten no bonus: Lived with it.

Michael Moore (a man I really do hate) had a line about the bailout a couple of weeks ago that has really grown on me. He said that we should say to all these banks, "After we give you all this money, just know this: We own your ass."

Well said, Mike. We do own their ass. And I think Thain should be thrown in prison for ripping off his employer, the U.S. taxpayer.

Please no.

With the Bush administration on the way out, there has been a lot of talk about which convicted felons will get an official pardon -- with Slate going so far as to rank each and every prominent criminal who has been lobbying the administration and what their chances are.

Junk bond king, Michael Milken, is given an "excellent chance" of getting a pardon. (Which is unusual because the administration has been extremely parsimonious with these pardons.)

It won't matter too much whether Milken gets his pardon in the grand scheme of things -- he has already served time for his criminal activities (racketeering; conspiracy; tax fraud; insider trading, etc.). And despite the fact that he paid more than $200 million in fines, he's still a billionaire. (Probably. Who knows who's still a billionaire in this economic climate.)

And it would seem that fate was somewhat cruel to Milken; shortly after he was released from prison he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Since then he has raised millions for cancer research and been a reasonably active philanthropist.

All good things -- one would suppose.

But if anyone feels too sympathetic to Milken, I would advise reading James Stewart's (scarily relevant) book, Den of Thieves, which was about the fraud and insider trading of the 1980s.

The book is worth another look these days, given how much of the current fiscal crisis is due to over-leveraging companies -- which was precisely what was happening back in the 80s. Moreover, the whole concept of junk bonds feels eerily similar to that of subprime mortgages. (High interest and high risk. One wonders why we're suddenly surprised when they melt down.)

But Milken seems almost singular in his embodiment of the excesses of the 1980s; few people were as ruthless, as greedy and as underhanded as Michael Milken. He collected and distributed inside information -- in flagrant violation of the law. He manipulated stock prices on companies he wanted to undervalue. He bullied his clients into deals that lost them money (but made Milken millions). His practices encouraged banks to make extremely risky investments, and when they failed, tax payers got stuck with an extremely expensive bailout.

In one year alone, Milken gave himself more than $500 million in bonus compensation -- but that didn't stop him from haranguing his colleagues for a $15,000 finder's fee on a piece of business he thought he brought to his firm.

All in all, a disgustingly greedy man.

One wonders in an age of similar excess and similar downfall if it really sends the right message to give this dude a pardon.

But, then, that should be perfectly in line with the Bush administration.