Patty pad

If you don't know of George Motz (and you like hamburgers) you should!

Motz is the author of Hamburger America, and a couple of weeks ago he invited me (in my capacity as NY Post reporter) to take a look around his South Slope apartment.

It was pretty cool!

You can read the resulting story here.

The most expensive burger?

According to the Wall Street Journal this burger (pictured) at Hubert Keller's new Vegas restaurant goes for a staggering $5,000.

The good news: You get a bottle of 1995 Petrus with it. (But, as the Journal points out, you can buy one sans burger for $2,500.)

English lessons

Last week your resident schlub went to the opening for the Plaza's new food court -- and the lucky chef who got the concession is none other than everybody's favorite runaway groom, Todd English.

As somebody who's not the biggest Todd English fan in the world (a lot of his New York stuff just seems a little too pricey for me) I wasn't exactly prepared to be blown over -- which just goes to prove an old maxim that my father taught me:

The key to life is low expectations.

'Cause I have to say: The food court is pretty delish!

This has to be taken somewhat with a grain of salt: For one thing, it was an opening, and an opening will only tell you what a place is like when they're on their best behavior.

The other thing you should keep in mind is that you only get a sense of what the food tastes like when you know you don't have to look at the bill at the end of the evening.

But on both of these fronts, the Plaza Food Hall succeeds marvelously.

There was a hamburger station where they were grilling up sliders which were delicious. (The guy behind the grill also threw in a prime rib steak slider -- which I thought was terrific, but my dining partner thought was a little overdone.)

The pizzas were out of a wood-fired over and I thought they turned out really well (there was -- I think -- a quatro fromaggio pie that I tried which was out of this world. But this shouldn't be a big surprise -- across the hall is a cheesemonger.)

The raw bar had huge, hulking mollusks and crustaceans (including what may have been the single largest shrimp I've ever consumed) -- and there were sushi stations (I didn't try) and Japanese noodle stations (so-so.)

But my favorite thing had to be the desserts -- they had mini-cupcakes whose frosting was dipped in a white chocolate (for the red velvet cupcake) or milk chocolate shell which were perfectly outrageous. Also on the block were chocolate dipped pretzels, tarts and more goodies than even an intrepid reporter like myself could sample.

And the space is great -- it is more than 5,000 square feet and was designed to look like a Parisian or London shopping mall (say, a Harrod's) and I think it succeeds greatly. (My only quibble is that finding the mall is a little hard to find.)

As good as that other shopping mall across town? (a k a The Time Warner Center.) Well, probably not ... but also probably cheaper.

I can feel my arteries hardening...

Hello schlubfans!

Apologies for the dearth in blogging activity (I was away in Cape Cod last week). And although I have a lot to catch up on, I did want to post something about the hamburger orgy that I attended last night in Summit, N.J. as a part of the Summit Wine & Food Festival before my impressions leave me.

About 20 different hamburgers were on the judging table -- including Little Owl's super-hyped brisket and short-rib burger, and a slider version of Minetta Tavern's "Black Label" burger which sells for a grotesque $26 a pop. ("We outsell the [cheaper $14 Minetta burger] by three or four to one," Minetta's Riad Nasr told me.) Also included were several that I already knew (Stand) and/or loved (Harry's Water Taxi Beach).

And more than just sending a line-cook to rep the restaurant and follow the recipe, a number of big shots showed.

In addition to Nasr and Lee Hanson rep'ing Minetta, Joey Campanaro was there to make his Little Owl burger. And Mike Psilakis of Anthos and Kefi fame was flipping burgers, too. A number of celebrity chefs showed for different parts of the festival, too. Marco Canora of Insieme and Hearth did a pasta demonstration and Josh DeChellis did a steak demonstration. (David Pasternack of Esca and David Burke were also there on the first two days of the festival, but I didn't see them.)

Psilakis had probably the least burger-like burger. Which doesn't mean it was bad (not at all!) -- just very different. He cooked his hamburger in a smooth, cream-colored sauce which he told me was rendered beef fat. Which definitely sounds disgusting, but he made me stick my finger in and taste. There was no argument that it was delicious. (It tasted eeriely like a hamburger.) The burger was topped with slow roasted tomatoes (outrageously good!) and an orange-colored feta sauce. Messy -- and will probably kill you -- but delicious.

I was really surprised at how much I enjoyed the Wildwood BBQ burger (which, apparently, was one of the judge's three favorites). It was your standard little slider with bacon and melted cheese, but the meat was extremely rich and nicely salty and the bacon was absolutely delicious. (It was my second favorite of the day.) I haven't been to Wildwood -- which is a relatively new BBQ place on Park Avenue South -- but it has definitely whetted my appetite.

But my favorite had to be Campanaro's Little Owl burger -- which was a hybrid of short-rib and brisket, with a slice of cheese and a slab or bacon. (Admittedly, the bacon was probably slightly better at Wildwood.) And it was served on a bun made out of pizza dough. (Which is, apparently, the same bread he uses on the meatball sliders he serves in his restaurant. Man -- he found the right customer with me!) Decadently rich meat, with just the right amount of salt.

The Little Owl burger ($16 at the restaurant) was so good, in fact, that I ate it without ketchup -- which is something (on principle) I refuse to do with a burger!

Bravo Joey. I crown you the winner in my schlubby heart. I might have a new favorite burger.

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Just in case my mother is reading this, I would just like to state for the record: NO, I did NOT eat a half dozen burgers at this damned festival! Every burger I sampled I ate only a quarter of -- or less. (Unless the burger in question was a slider, like Wildwood's or Minetta's.) So while there's no question I made a complete pig of myself, I want it clear that I ate less than two full burgers when all was said and done. (One of the organizers, Josh Ozersky, claims that he visited each of the 20 burger stands twice -- a claim I find difficult to believe.)

Best of New York -- schlub edition

I have no plan on taking on NY mag's Best of NY issue entirely -- there is much worthwhile in their list this year (as there almost always is). And there is much that is ridiculous. Char No. 4 has the best pastrami in the city? Better than Katz's? I went with a beautiful schlubette recently, and while we enjoyed the pastrami appetizer, let's not lose our heads.

But I would like to humbly offer up my picks on the basic stuff.

Hamburger. Adam Platt named Little Owl as his favorite burger (never been). Robin Raisfeld picked Beacon (which I have been to, but not had the burger there. Not a bad place.) Rob Patronite says Dram Shop Bar (never even heard of).

There are many places this schlub likes to go for a burger. I've had two really fabulous burgers within the last few weeks, both of which I'd put towards the top of my burger list. Buttermilk Channel has a really fabulous burger that they serve at lunch. And Halfsteak's sliders are absolutely outrageous. And while I wouldn't quite put it on my list of favorites, Irving Mill has a great Monday night special -- burger, fries and a beer for $15. My favorite burger place, Schnack (which is also a slider burger), unfortunately closed shop a little while ago but The Spotted Pig has a great (but expensive) burger, smothered in blue cheese, if you can put up with an incredibly crowded bar. (I usually cannot.) Donovan's Pub near me in Queens is not bad -- it's usually on everybody's favorite burger list. (Personally, I like their turkey burger more than the hamburger though.) However, my de facto spot is The Knickerbocker which has a really delicious and decadent burger and delicious fries. Sometimes, simple is best.

Hot dogs. Adam likes Rusty Knot (which I went to a few months ago and thought was OK -- but not great). Robin likes Dogmatic (never heard of). And Rob likes PDT (which is Wylie Dufresne's hot dog and consists of mayo and ketchup -- woof!)

This is another case of simplicity being best -- at least in my view. I like the frankfurter at Nathan's -- particularly at the original in Coney Island. Gray's Papaya is another great one that's always consistently delicious (and cheap!) But I always find the hot dogs are best at delicatessens. Katz's has a great frank. I haven't had one at the new Second Avenue Deli, but the old 2nd Ave had a great hot dog. However, my favorite was always the Deli Masters out in Fresh Meadows. A pain in the ass to get to (I only ever visited with my parents when we went out to relatives on Long Island) but well worth a trip.

Pizza. Adam likes Di Fara (a safe -- but good -- choice). Rob and Robin like Artichoke. (Not terrible. But slightly overrated.)

This is one I feel too strongly about and too emotionally about to speak in depth. But I'll quickly run through my faves: For gourmet pizza with lots of designer ingredients, I like L'asso in Nolita -- which is across the street from the still great Lombardi's. Sadly, I feel Queens is pretty lacking in pizza spots, but I like Nick's in Forest Hills. My favorite of the old school classics places is Totonno's in Coney Island. But lately my favorite pizza spot is No. 28, at 28 Carmine Street in the Village -- excellent (and authentic) Neapolitan pizza. (Cash only.)

Hope I made you hungry...

Your homework assignment

A couple of things from the paper I would recommend to my readers (none of them all that schlubby -- but, hey, it's my blog so I'll recommend what I want!):

The biggest story this week (and last week), of course, has been the Bernie Madoff Ponzi scheme that has swallowed an estimated $50 billion.

The Times has a truly fabulous story on page one by Christine Haughney about how the Madoff scandal is effecting New York real estate. (The kind of story you read and say, "Gee... I wish I had written that.") People who were invested with the guy are already having to put their apartments on the market because their mortgage payments were tied up to Madoff investments. Moreover, a great deal of development will be unable to move forward. Definitely worth a read.

Speaking of Bernie Madoff, this is one of those times I really wish I was back at the Forward (and it might be the only time I wish I had the Jewish philanthropy beat -- which I can testify is a very boring beat). Because this week we really might have seen the death of Jewish Philanthropy. Anthony Weiss and Gabrielle Birkner have a story in the Forward about some of the charities who were invested with Madoff. But I fear this story only scratches the surface; a lot of hospitals, schools and charities will be closed because of this reckless man.

Speaking of greed and recklessness, the Times has another great story on page one by Louise Story about just how big a crock all the Wall Street bonuses were over the last few years.

In other news, Time Magazine's man of the year is Barack Obama. (What a shock.)

Newsweek's Michael Isikoff has a really terrific piece about Thomas Tamm, the heretofore unknown whistleblower on the Bush Administration's domestic spying program.

George Packer tears Sean Penn a new one on his blog. (You go George! No matter how good an actor Sean Penn is, listening to him talk about politics makes liberals like me really, really cringe.)

And for my schlubs out there: Burger King (yes that Burger King) is offering a new cologne called "Flame."

Only two in my case...

I'm a fan of Simon Oren, so I went to check out 5 Napkin Burger tonight with two of my buddies.

A decidedly mixed experience.

5 Napkin is new, and new places have yet to iron out all their kinks. I hadn't been at the bar five minutes, waiting for my table, when I heard the second glass smash.

Plus, when one of my buddies went to the bar and was taking a look at the various bottles of whiskey and asked how a particular vintage was, the bar tender had no idea what he was talking about. (Not a good sign.)

And it took forever for our burgers to arrive. (Which is bad when your restaurant supposedly specialized in burgers.)

Finally, my burger came slathered with cheese, even though I had asked for it with no cheese. (Perhaps it was their 5 Napkin sauce -- but the long and short of it was: I just wanted a burger with pickles and onions. And that didn't seem to get through to our waiter.)

All that being said, my burger was actually really awesome.

There was too much of it for me to eat. (Well, I restrained myself from eating the second half.) Very well cooked and well seasoned. The bun was good. The fries were good. (Our mozzarella artichoke dip appetizer, I'd skip however.) I intend to go back in about a month and see if service has improved.

The endearing perversity of the French...

Notice anything weird about this picture?

It comes from Jane Sigal's pretty darn great article in the Times about how the French have finally embraced the hamburger. (It's one of those articles a journalist reads and says, "I wish I had thought of that...")

But my question is: What happened to the French fries?

So let me get this straight: After years of ridiculing our hamburgers as low and unworthy and symptomatic of something unforgivably gauche about America, the French have finally gotten on the bandwagon... and they forgot the French fries?! Their one contribution to the All-American meal that the most patriotic red-blooded American attributes to those cheese eating surrender monkeys by name? (During the height of Francophobia not a single Republican in Congress suggested that we could do without French fries all together... just that we should change the name. I would argue, therefore, that their contribution to the great American meal is pretty indispensable.)

You gotta love those wacky French...