I can feel my arteries hardening...

Hello schlubfans!

Apologies for the dearth in blogging activity (I was away in Cape Cod last week). And although I have a lot to catch up on, I did want to post something about the hamburger orgy that I attended last night in Summit, N.J. as a part of the Summit Wine & Food Festival before my impressions leave me.

About 20 different hamburgers were on the judging table -- including Little Owl's super-hyped brisket and short-rib burger, and a slider version of Minetta Tavern's "Black Label" burger which sells for a grotesque $26 a pop. ("We outsell the [cheaper $14 Minetta burger] by three or four to one," Minetta's Riad Nasr told me.) Also included were several that I already knew (Stand) and/or loved (Harry's Water Taxi Beach).

And more than just sending a line-cook to rep the restaurant and follow the recipe, a number of big shots showed.

In addition to Nasr and Lee Hanson rep'ing Minetta, Joey Campanaro was there to make his Little Owl burger. And Mike Psilakis of Anthos and Kefi fame was flipping burgers, too. A number of celebrity chefs showed for different parts of the festival, too. Marco Canora of Insieme and Hearth did a pasta demonstration and Josh DeChellis did a steak demonstration. (David Pasternack of Esca and David Burke were also there on the first two days of the festival, but I didn't see them.)

Psilakis had probably the least burger-like burger. Which doesn't mean it was bad (not at all!) -- just very different. He cooked his hamburger in a smooth, cream-colored sauce which he told me was rendered beef fat. Which definitely sounds disgusting, but he made me stick my finger in and taste. There was no argument that it was delicious. (It tasted eeriely like a hamburger.) The burger was topped with slow roasted tomatoes (outrageously good!) and an orange-colored feta sauce. Messy -- and will probably kill you -- but delicious.

I was really surprised at how much I enjoyed the Wildwood BBQ burger (which, apparently, was one of the judge's three favorites). It was your standard little slider with bacon and melted cheese, but the meat was extremely rich and nicely salty and the bacon was absolutely delicious. (It was my second favorite of the day.) I haven't been to Wildwood -- which is a relatively new BBQ place on Park Avenue South -- but it has definitely whetted my appetite.

But my favorite had to be Campanaro's Little Owl burger -- which was a hybrid of short-rib and brisket, with a slice of cheese and a slab or bacon. (Admittedly, the bacon was probably slightly better at Wildwood.) And it was served on a bun made out of pizza dough. (Which is, apparently, the same bread he uses on the meatball sliders he serves in his restaurant. Man -- he found the right customer with me!) Decadently rich meat, with just the right amount of salt.

The Little Owl burger ($16 at the restaurant) was so good, in fact, that I ate it without ketchup -- which is something (on principle) I refuse to do with a burger!

Bravo Joey. I crown you the winner in my schlubby heart. I might have a new favorite burger.

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Just in case my mother is reading this, I would just like to state for the record: NO, I did NOT eat a half dozen burgers at this damned festival! Every burger I sampled I ate only a quarter of -- or less. (Unless the burger in question was a slider, like Wildwood's or Minetta's.) So while there's no question I made a complete pig of myself, I want it clear that I ate less than two full burgers when all was said and done. (One of the organizers, Josh Ozersky, claims that he visited each of the 20 burger stands twice -- a claim I find difficult to believe.)

Just how fast can you get a heartattack?

I think the New York Times Dining section is trying to kill me.

At least that was the impression I got from Damon Darlin's article today about the unhealthiest sounding dish I've ever heard of, the Bacon Explosion.

The Bacon Explosion is the child of two BBQ nuts, Jason Day and Aaron Chronister, who have their BBQ blog, BBQAddicts.com, where they posted the step-by-step. It is essentially layers of bacon cooked on layers of sausage, dipped in BBQ sauce.

There are hilarious little details in this article -- like the guy whose friends made it for him just before he was about to head off to Israel -- but the real jaw dropper is just how caloric this little number is: 5,000 calories. Five hundred grams of fat.

And if that wasn't enough, Alex Witchel has a piece about how Eli Zabar (of the Zabar's family -- but the breakoff faction, that did E.A.T. and the Vinegar Factory) is taking his old doughnuts and turning them into doughnut pudding! (It actually sounded very good.)

I'm thinking of salad. I'm thinking of salad. I'm thinking of salad. I'm thinking of salad...

Sheldon Ludnick -- sexiest man alive

The great Calvin Trillin has a really fabulous article about Texas barcecue in the New Yorker this week.

Specifically, the article is about Snow's, a joint in Lexington, Texas which Texas Monthly named the best barbecue restaurant in the state -- even though nobody had ever heard of it before. ("I felt like a People subscriber who had picked up the “Sexiest Man Alive” issue and discovered that the sexiest man alive was Sheldon Ludnick, an insurance adjuster from Terre Haute, Indiana, with Clooney as the runner-up," Trillin writes. That's the reason he's Calvin Trillin.)

Now, I am a very big barbecue fan -- but I'm no expert. I know there's a difference between Kansas City and Texas barbecue, but I couldn't begin to distinguish the two in a blind tasting. (Something having to do with the fact that Kansas City is more sauce heavy?)

But I should warn you, if you read this article you will get hungry.

There are a number of good places to sate your barbecue hunger in the city (which natives of Texas and Missouri might disagree with me on) which I would recommend; below are Max Gross' top four:

First, I like Hill Country in Chelsea.

Most Texans I know (and people who have spent time in Texas) swear by its authenticity. I take their word for it -- but authenticity aside, it's absolutely delicious. The guys working the pit cut off huge slabs of brisket that really do melt in your mouth. (They also offer the option of lean brisket, but come on! If you're spending those kinds of calories, you're already priced in.) And even though Trillin sorts of puts down side dishes in his article, the German potato salad is not to be missed. (And even though I'm not much of a mac and cheese fan, several friends of mine swear by Hill Country's.)

While you're in Chelsea, you might mosey over to Righetous Urban Barbecue -- a k a, RUB. (How did Chelsea wind up with two of the four or five best barbecue joints in the city? Beats me.)

They do the basics extremely well at RUB (particularly the pork) and the chicken wings, which are slathered in spice, are definitely worth a taste. Great ribs, great chicken, great fries. (I'm serious -- the fries are really excellent.)

If you can get a big group together, you would be crazy not to head off to Daisy May's at 11th Avenue and 46th Street and get the whole pork butt.

It costs $150 (and requires a day's notice) but split between 6 or 7 people it's fairly reasonable and it's not too much food. Moreover, this pork is beyond delicious. (The NY Post real estate team went there once in celebration of a fall preview a year or two ago, and we all licked our plates.) If you ever have any Orthodox Jewish friends you'd like to take over to the dark side, take them to Daisy May's.

My good friend and editor is a native Texan and he claims that Dinosaur Barbecue up in Harlem is no better than an Applebee's. I'll take his word for it -- but I think that speaks extremely well for Applebee's. Dinosaur has some excellent ribs (not too fatty); very decent brisket; and super hot (and delicious) wings. Plus, it's got the feel of a Texas joint. I love going to Dinosaur!

**** Now, here's my list of three places to avoid ****

Blue Smoke. As much as I personally like Danny Meyer -- and having met the man, I attest that he is a prince -- this place is way overpriced. Not bad, but the other places I mentioned are better.

Virgil's. Another case of a restaurant that is not half-bad in terms of the food, but makes you feel extremely ripped off when you get the check. They're taking advantage of their location. (Times Square. Why a tourist would come to New York to get barbecue, though, is beyond me.)

Spanky's. A couple of months ago, Spanky's might not have edged into number five on my favorite's list... and it still has a few good things going for it. It's not insanely priced. And I really like the room. But the food has really gone down hill. When I first went there a couple of years ago, I had an excellent meal, and kept going back trying to duplicate this. This hasn't happened.