If the GOP field were a Top Chef, they would be Hosea

So now it's Santorum?

Clearly the GOP has gotten on the fast train to crazy town.

Not that I care much what Republicans do, but this guy is unelectable, and somebody should think about mentioning it to the GOP voters.

(While old Santorum has stayed away from the jaw-droppingly dumb things he's said in the past, the New Republic has compiled a list of Santorum's greatest hits. If you ever feel that Dan Savage has been too hard on Rick, read it.)

Maybe it's because Top Chef was on last night, but I couldn't help but think about which candidate would be which Top Chef -- until I had a realization:

They're all Hosea Rosenberg.

If you don't remember Hosea, he was the Top Chef that nobody liked much. He wasn't particularly talented or memorable -- except that he cheated on his girlfriend on the show with Leah (who was not only taken, but living with her boyfriend at the time.)

It seemed impossible that Hosea would ever become Top Chef -- until he did.

He mastered the TC phenomenon of never quite doing a bad enough job to get kicked off -- but never doing a good job, either. The guy who should have won (Stefan) did slightly worse in the finale, and Hosea got the top prize pretty much by default. (It felt mind bogglingly frustrating at the time.)

And that pretty much sums up the GOP presidential contenders. They all share at least two of Hosea's three bad qualities. It's just a question of who will out-worse the others.

(1) His loose morals.

Newt Gingrich seems to have that one down pretty pat. But I would also argue that Mitt Romney's willingness to say anything -- anything! -- depending on who's listening to him suggests a certain liberal relationship with the truth.

(2) Nobody likes him.

Willard Mitt Romney -- desperate to be liked. As a result (and for other reasons) despised.

Newton Leroy Gingrich. The most despicable serious candidate in modern times. Every member of Congress who has any memory beyond 2000 knows just how dangerous a guy this is -- as well as nasty, vindictive and unappealing. A small number of tea party supporters think he'll destroy President Obama in a debate (they are mistaken), but that is the extent of his support.

Rick Santorum. So openly homophobic and anti-choice that nominating this guy would be the equivalent of just giving up on any Independent votes.

(3) He's always second worst.

This describes Romney, Santorum and Gingrich. All three of them are a joke. They only become credible when you look at all three of them together. (Ron Paul is a different discussion.) A real statesman -- someone with experience, decent looks, a conservative voting record and the ability to form a complete sentence -- would blow these guys out of the water.

And yet it hasn't happened.

One of these guys will be the GOP nominee (provided we don't get a brokered convention) -- and 2/3rds of the GOP will feel it is the equivalent of giving the prize to Hosea.

They'd be right. All three are Hosea.

Bluefish a la Gross

From about the time I was 5 years old, until I was about 18 I went fishing with my old man at least every summer.

We never caught anything. Not a single piddling sardine.

I remember the whole family once going out on a professional fishing expedition where we were more or less guaranteed to catch a fish.

Nothing.

As our fellow fishermen were reeling in huge basses, my father and I were standing over the side the boat, simply standing there like a couple of hapless doofuses. (I don't think my mother actually did any fishing, but she came to cheer us on.)

Well, ten minutes out on Sag Harbor Cove with chef Kerry Heffernan (pictured), and I'm a fishing cherry no more.

My adventure is chronicled in today's New York Post. (Well, it's more about Heffernan's country house, but I managed to squeeze a little of my fishing adventure in there, too.) And Eater was nice enough to link to it, too.

And, yes, as Kerry was frying up the three bluefish I caught (he caught two), Tom Colicchio dropped in. (Readers of this blog will remember that I've met him once... he did not remember me, naturally.) When I told him that I had never caught a fish before -- despite all my efforts -- he laughed, "That's really pathetic!"

I wish I could argue...

One of the funnier things that was left on the cutting floor:

After I asked him what we should call it, Kerry said, "I don't have a name for it... we could name it after you."

"Yeah," I said, "but the problem is my last name is 'Gross.' Nobody will ever order bluefish a la Gross."

Why I've been radio silent on Top Chef

Regular readers of FSTS will know that almost every year I opine on my favorite reality series, Top Chef...

...and there has been a noted absence of musings this year.

Well, let me explain.

Reason 1: Late last year I gave up my TV, and my viewings of the show have been spotty. (As of last night, I'm pretty much caught up.)

Reason 2: I was skeptical from the get-go about this season because the Washington DC food scene is fairly mediocre. (At least that's what I hear from friends who live there.)

One of the things that last season had going for it was that Las Vegas was a very interesting location, restaurant-wise. The greatest restaurateurs in the world (from Jean Georges Vongerichten to Mario Batali) had opened eateries, all of which are excellent according to trusted foodies I know who have dined there.

It was part of the fun of watching. You want to peek inside great kitchens, meet the great chefs and see great food. Unfortunately, DC really doesn't have that.

Reason 3: This has been a really uninspired group.

Last season was probably the best batch of contestants that Top Chef ever had, and maybe any group of chefs was going to suffer by way of comparison, but what the hell happened? Kelly and Angelo seem like the only ones who are semi-serious chefs. (Maybe Ed, too. But I have grown skeptical upon reading Robert Sietsema's takedown of Plein Sud in the Voice.)

I think if, say, Eli, from last season (who finished fifth!) was in this group there is no question he would be Top Chef.

This has left your humble schlub with almost no one to root for.

I suppose Kelly most fits in with who I usually like (intelligent and quietly creative), but she also looks like she's had a couple of near cataclysmic fuck-ups. (I'm sort of rooting for Amanda ((pictured)) simply on the basis of the fact that she's a mega-babe.)

Reason 4: Last night they got rid of the only reason to watch.

I'm talking, of course, about Alex.

Every season there is at least one villain. One person who's unbearably shmucky, someone utterly talentless, someone who drives everyone else crazy, but who manages to place second worst in every single elimination challenge.

Alex fit that role perfectly!

- He seems to have stolen Ed's pea puree. (Although, I'm hestiant to commit myself to his guilt. If he hadn't stolen it, I think Alex would be a lot more indignant about the accusation. But I'm also sure there was a lot of creative editing on this show. The producers could have just decided it would be a much better story to hide the footage of him actually making the pea puree... and they'd be right.)

- He was an utter shithead to his waitstaff in the kitchen during restaurant wars.

- He had the fecklessness of a Spike or a Robin (other chefs who skated through elimination challenges by the skin of their teeth). I mean, he's a chef in a restaurant and he doesn't know how to butcher a piece of meat, or debone a fish?

The collective hatred of Alex was the one thing that was sort of interesting. Now that's gone. I'm not sure I'll finish the season out.

You should never meet people you admire...

Last night I was fortunate enough to attend D'Artagan's (the meat purveyor) anniversary party.

The food was mostly excellent and decadent, and you could see many culinary celebs shuffling around chowing down on duck legs including Drew Nieporent and the great Anthony Bourdain...

When -- lo and behold! -- I saw Tom Colicchio!

My colleague (who had invited me) had little interest in approaching him (she's apparently not a fan) but I saw nothing wrong with it. When Colicchio was standing quietly by himself for a minute, I tapped him on the shoulder, introduced myself and mentioned a friend we had in commmon.

Tom: "Oh, yeah."

He murmured a word or two about our mutual friend, and he didn't say anything else.

There was an uncomfortable silence in the air for a moment before I said, "Well, anyway, I just wanted to tell you I'm a big fan of your restaurants and a big fan of Top Chef."

He nodded -- clearly uninterested.

I suppose I can't blame him. I can't imagine what a pain-in-the-ass it must be to be famous. To have all sorts of idiots approaching and wanting to be friends. Not that I expected anything approaching friendship. (Just politeness.) And not that it takes away his greatness in the kitchen and his greatness on TV. (Well, maybe a little.) But I was slightly surprised.

I suppose Tommy falls into the Bob Dylan category of celebrity, "Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything."

BTW: Tom is way shorter in person than he looks on TV.

*************************************************************

Update: Apparently I left just before it got good, because Tommy took the stage with Drew and rocked out!

Here's the footage:

"Why do you want to be Top Chef?"

"I just don't want Bryan to win."

The words were almost whispered. And there was a moment (just a moment really) when they were met with thundering silence. Then came the laughter of the judges, as well as the man it was directed at.

"Good answer," Bryan Voltaggio replied, good-naturedly.

But at that moment -- when Michael Voltaggio looked a little scared, when he knew he had ruined his dessert, when nothing was assured and everything hung in the balance -- he used the opportunity to take a swipe at his brother.

Briefly, this schlub was in love.

Having never tasted any of the food that appeared on this season of Top Chef, I can only say that Michael had been my favorite to win it for a while.

He wasn't as likable as, say, Eli. He wasn't as sturdy a technician as his brother. And Kevin (also good natured) seemed to be his equal in terms of putting out food that drove the judges wild. But there was something about Michael that I found much more fascinating.

There seemed to be a real edge to Michael. "Kevin cooks the kind of food I cook on my day off," Michael once said, which is both cruel (Kevin seemed like a real sweetheart) and probably untrue (Kevin was consistently one of the judge's favorites).

But these are the uncompromising cruelties of an artist. Which was certainly on display in his put down of his brother. And what followed Michael's put down -- his reasons for why he should be crowned Top Chef -- was as fervent a statement of artistry as any I ever expected to see on Reality TV.

But it was the joke that really made me admire him. No joke is ever made entirely in jest. It was one more in the long list of putdowns Michael had been making against his brother all season long. And I think every artist feels not just the creative impulse, but also the destructive one. There is a demon on every creative person's shoulder, whispering in his ear.

Congrats, Michael. You were the best Top Chef, on the best season ever of Top Chef.

Five reasons why this season of Top Chef is going to rock

Reasons 1 through 4 are these:

The contestants.

Last night was episode two of Top Chef Las Vegas. And it's become blindingly obvious that this crop of cheftestants are vastly superior to last season's.

And it makes for much more enjoyable viewing.

Part of the reason that you watch a show like TC is to watch all the catfighting reality TV elements.... and the other part is to watch food porn. Nothing last season was all that exciting. This season, however, the food looks awesome. Thank you, cheftestants.

As for the cheftestants...

1) Jennifer Carroll.

I think she's probably the odds on favorite to win this. So far, she hasn't had any missteps. But more than that, she runs Eric Ripert's Philadelphia restaurant. You don't get to that place unless you're exceedingly talented. She looks like she is. Moreover, she's hot. While this, in and of itself, is not a qualifier, I think the judges are going to go a little easier on her at judge's table. (And she would be the first hot chef to win TC!)

2) Kevin Gillespie.

Because I'm a snob, I was immediately intrigued to learn that Kevin turned down a scholarship at MIT to become a chef. The fact that he's tattooed and bearded makes him all the more badass in my eyes. He's one won elimination challenge and was one of the runner-ups in the quickfire. I put him at number two to win this.

3) The Voltaggio brothers.

It was a nice touch, putting two brothers together. The producers tried this two years ago by putting a lesbian couple on the show. It didn't quite work (perhaps because they were rooting for eachother a bit much). But these brothers seem to have a nice (but friendly) rivalry going. And the odd thing is that they seem to be eachother's equal (at least at this point) in terms of cooking. And, yes, they look exceptionally talented! Michael won the quickfire, Bryan won the elimination challenge. (Which Michael was runner up on.) Either of them seem to be Jennifer or Kevin's equal.

4) Ashley Merriman.

I don't think she's in the running for this... there are at least two others that I think look like they have a better shot than she does. But she's got edge. She has some talent. And (even though she ain't interested in my type) she's sexy as hell. I think she's going to make this season interesting -- even if it's in an eye-rolling-what-a-schmuck-sort-of-way. (I mean, because gay marriage doesn't exist, that means marriage isn't a happy occasion? What was that about?)

5) Padma.

Is it me, or is she getting hotter?

The return of Top Chef

He's back, baby.

Top Chef might have taken a major hit by being so crappy last season. The enthusiasm has definitely died down amongst my friends, and maybe from the public at large. I went to Halfsteak on Wednesday and none of the TC geeks were there to watch. (I chronicled this little pilgrimage for The Jew and the Carrot. Saddest detail: the bartender didn't even want to switch the channel to Top Chef.)

But this season opener was actually pretty good.

Unlike in past seasons, the chefs featured on the show are actually fairly accomplished. A couple of them are James Beard winners (or runners up) and one of them has a Michelin star. (Most of the names are unfamiliar to me, because only one cheftestant is from New York, but reading their bios has been enlightening. They certainly seem like a different crop than seasons past.)

Moreover, Vegas was an excellent choice. The restaurant scene there has really come into its own (even if several of those big eateries will go out of business thanks to the recession!) as my editor pointed out in a story in last week's Post.

Unlike last season's noticeably chintzy lack of prizes for elimination wins, the TC producers have already decided to ratchet things up a notch -- they were throwing out $15,000 poker chips to the winner of the quickfire -- yes, the quickfire! (Although, oddly, the winner of the elimination challenge got squat. I guess that will come later.)

And, finally, at least two of the cheftestants are unassailably hot. (And one of these hotties looks like she can really cook.)

Nice work, Tom and Padma. You've lured me back for at least another season.

As if we needed another fucking reason to hate Charlie Rose...

I know how old hat it is to say that Charlie Rose is a terrible interviewer, but it almost seems as if he's getting worse with every passing year.

Last night he had Tom Colicchio on his program. And, at first, I thought he was an excellent choice for Rose's program.

Not because of Colicchio's genius in the kitchen -- or because of Top Chef. It was an inspired choice because Colicchio has been one of the few New York chefs who has been really out in front of the financial crisis (with the addition of Halfsteak to Craftsteak, and the frugal fridays at Craft).

As one of the smartest and most articulate players in the food business (who actually still runs a business, day to day) I would have really liked to get Colicchio's take on how the restaurant business (particularly the NYC market) has been affected by the economic downturn. Clearly, the restaurant scene is never going to be the same. Restaurants are drowning.

So... how are they coping? Who is going to survive? How are costs being kept down? Are the behemoths of the business (the Batallis, the Flays, etc.) in serious trouble? What about the little guys?

But the big question for a guy like Colicchio (who made his name on a return to simplicity) was, will there be a mass return to the basics? Will the gaudy dining experiences of the last few years give way to more sane restaurants (at better prices)?

These are all very, very basic questions. (And the answers to most of these are, obviously, "Of course everybody's in trouble" ... but then most pros would just let Colicchio expound.) Rose did not ask a single one.

Instead, he treated this interview like it was 2006 -- "Who is your greatest influence?" and "How did you fall in love with food?" kind of questions.

Dude -- the general public knows Tom Colicchio. He's super famous. I might ask those sorts of questions for a longer piece (or in general background), but at this particular moment, Colicchio might have some extremely illuminating stuff to say.

It was a waste of everybody's time.

Turns out...

I picked a pretty good week to do my food blogging, because NY Magazine came out with their annual Best of New York issue, and there is much to discuss. (By the way, I know I said yesterday that I'd donate the entire week to Top Chef, specifically... but I think this is pretty much in keeping with the spirit. And it's my blog, I'll do what I want.)

As is usual with NY mag's food coverage, there is much that is interesting, much that is unassailable, much that is completely snobby, and much that is downright crazy wrong.

But I will get into the specifics over the course of the next few days. (This is my busy day at work, people. I can't do anything other than a cursory little post on Wednesdays.)

On a non-food related note about this issue: I was delighted to see them name Bonobos as the best place to get a pair of men's pants! My friend Adam is one of the guys who runs it!

Moreover, I have it on good authority that Bonobos sold Hosea (of evil TC fame) a pair of pants this week. And I also hear that they were a hair's away from outfitting the great Mickey Rourke for the Academy Awards!

You go, Bonobos!

Speaking of Tom Colicchio...

As angry as I am at Colicchio for a really disappointing season of Top Chef, you've got to hand it to him: The guy can cook.

And he's smart.

Like everybody else, Colicchio has realized that the culinary world is writhing and he simply won't make the kind of scratch he was making a year ago. Hence he has started two new venues -- out of existing venues. (To actually open a restaurant right now seems like suicide.)

Craft is doing "Frugal Fridays" in which Colicchio's chef, Damon Wise, is putting out small $10 plates. No reservations, and only at the bar. (I hear it's very good.)

Likewise, Colicchio's insanely overpriced steakhouse, Craftsteak, has turned the front of the restaurant into a little inoteca (like next door's Del Posto) called Halfsteak, in which everything on the menu is under $15.

I've been to Halfsteak twice in the past two weeks -- and it's great! (Mostly.)

There were a few disappointments. I went with my good friend Noah two weeks ago and he had a brisket sandwich which neither of us was all that impressed with.

Likewise, last week I tried one of the one pot dishes, a gnocchi with meatballs, which was not very good. The gnocchi itself was fine (although, for my money, Queen's gnocchi is much better.) And the meatballs weren't bad. (But, again, Frankie's 457 meatballs are better.) But the sauce was a generic red sauce that didn't taste any better than something you could get out of a can. (Sorry Tom, but it's the truth.)

That being said, Noah and I had some truly outrageous slider appetizers. They were finished with a balsalmic reduction and dusted with cheese -- and they might have been the tastiest burgers I have ever had. Ever.

When I went back with a beautiful and schlubby companion last week, we ordered the chicken wings with white barbecue sauce.

"Not bad," I said as I bit into one.

"Not bad?" she said, looking at me as if I was crazy.

"Better than that..."

"They're fucking great!" my friend practically shouted.

My friend had a steak which she also thought was delicious (although, quite honestly, I preferred the fries, which were really crisp and wonderful).

With drinks and dessert, neither experience cost more than $35 per person.

Nice job, Tom. Now, if you can only get your shit together for the next season of Top Chef...

*

Also, I guess this will be FSTS's unofficial Top Chef week. A couple of weeks ago I visited Leah Cohen's restaurant with some friends. I plan on blogging about it tomorrow.

The end of Top Chef?

Did last week mark the death knell for Bravo TV's reality show, Top Chef?

I think it's entirely possible.

Don't get me wrong, the show will undoubtedly go on. Over the weekend, Tom Colicchio was holding auditions for next season at Craftsteak. I'm sure that TC has one, perhaps two, seasons left before it is in any danger of being canceled. (And even then I think it's probably still just a danger -- not by any means a certainty.)

However, I suspect that TC's fan base (real fans, like me) will be severely depleted. Top Chef is one of those shows I would stay home on Wednesday nights to watch. I talk about it with friends and air my feelings about on Facebook. Colicchio has even made his way into my dreams, behind a big judge's table, making criticisms about my writing. (I'm not even kidding about that.)

But I'm not sure I'll be back next season. And I'm not the only one.

Last week's season finale was sort of heartbreaking in the triumph of mediocrity over genuine talent. Cumulative achievement meant nothing along side one piddling victory. It was sad.

For the record: I have never met the winner of Top Chef, Hosea Rosenberg. I have never tasted his cooking. He could be a genius, that for some reason nobody recognized throughout the weeks and weeks that he was on the show. However, Stefan Richter was consistently better than Hosea. Stefan won how many quick fire challenges? Ten? Eleven? He saved his team during restaurant wars and won praise on just about everything he did. The man was clearly more talented than Hosea.

True, Stefan was sort of choking near the end of the show. When I'm really honest, it sounds to me that he should have gone home during the "Last Supper" challenge, when he badly overcooked a piece of fish. But consistency should count for something. (As should imagination and talent -- both of which he was far superior to everyone else on.)

I basically stopped taking Hosea seriously as a candidate the week the chefs were cooking for the great Eric Ripert. Hosea said that he could not screw up a fish challenge -- because seafood is his specialty. Nevertheless, he managed to fuck it up and wind up on the chopping block. He managed to slip through the cracks and live to cook another day (my favorite, Jamie, wound up going home) but it's just sad that a contestant on a cooking show can't properly cook his specialty. (That was a challenge, incidentally, that Stefan won.)

"I really hope Hosea wins," my editor told his wife as they were watching on Wednesday. "That way we never have to watch it again."

Everybody I've spoken to -- and I mean everybody -- was rooting against Hosea.

And it wasn't just the fact that he was a decidedly mediocre chef; there was the fact that he acted like a complete cad on the air, cheating on his girlfriend with Leah. (Dude, everybody has moments of weakness... but you're on a reality show! It's gonna, kind of, get back to her.)

I don't know if I can take this show seriously any more. That might be it for me and TC.

Gail: Please pack your notes and go

Since it was announced that Toby Young was taking over for Gail Simmons on Top Chef, many of my fellow TC fans have been disappointed.

In some cases, more than disappointed.

"I hate him," several people have said, in no uncertain terms.

Toby is one of those persons who has made a career out of being a professional asshole (witness the title of his book, How to Lose Friends and Alienate People).

And in this latest interview with Toby, Matt Whitfield wonders if this represent a terrible new trend for Top Chef? Is it going the Simon Cowell route? Smug, British criticism intended to wither (and show off) rather than enlighten?

Personally, I'm not worried.

In fact, even though I could never really stomach American Idol (too many commercials, too many awful singers, pop songs that I generally hate, etc.) the one point of light in that show was Simon. You might not like what he had to say, but he was mostly right. And he refused to coddle people without talent. Hearing any sort of criticism like that -- from an intelligent source -- is always somewhat thrilling. (Provided, of course, that you're not the one being criticized.)

And, most important, he was funny.

It's one of the things that Pauline Kael had going for. She was a merciless -- and extremely entertaining -- servant of the truth. If I wanted dry (and uninteresting) criticism, I would have gone to grad school.

One of Gail's problems was that her criticism was a little technical.

(I also suspected she didn't have the greatest taste in the world. As proof I point to this interview. When will people be disabused from the idea that Shake Shack is a good burger? I think Danny Meyer is a hell of a nice guy and has created some terrific restaurants, but Shake Shack isn't one of them. And her pizza choices are all banal and predictible. ((Grimaldi's? Really?)) Does she really think Veselka is a good restaurant? Aki is "undiscovered"? Feh! I grudgingly admit that August has a very good breakfast. But Balthazar's full English is better. )

I say, bring on somebody who's witty and cutting. I say it's a cooking competition, for chrissakes. It shouldn't be taken that seriously.

In the first episode Toby had two great lines ("I've found the WMDs!" and "Tastes like cat food") which are already way more memorable than anything Gail has said over the course of the last two seasons.

Welcome to Top Chef, Toby!

In praise of arrogance

I've come to a decision:

My favorite chef on this season's Top Chef is Jamie.

Sometimes you can just look at a chef's food and be able to tell that they know what they're doing. I think this is probably the case with Jamie. She cooks things that she likes to eat -- and she does it well. You get hungry watching her cook.

Even when Jamie was on the chopping block two weeks ago it wasn't because her food was bad -- it was because the egg on her frisee wasn't finished. That happens.

But the other thing that I like about Jamie, quite frankly, is the fact that she's something of an arrogant asshole. She knows how good she is and she doesn't try to hide it or deny it. When she's finished runner-up in two quick fires and two eliminiation challenges she's furious -- because she knows her food is better than that of her competition.

That sort of arrogance... well, it's not usually an attractive quality. Unless it is. (And it almost always is when you're talking about an artist with real talent.)

But there's something about the whole Jamie package that I like. I like the fact that she's slightly overweight and a lesbian with tattoos. I like the fact that she's moody and doesn't give a shit what you think of her. She's the sort of schlub that Rogen was not in Knocked Up but in The 40-Year Old Virgin -- i.e., a cool schlub.

(It's slightly odd that I like Jamie as much as I do -- because she's the exact opposite in terms of temperament of my crush from last season, the always sweet and good natured Stephanie.)

The other shocker of this season of Top Chef, is the fact that I think my second favorite of the season is the far bigger asshole, Stefan.

I wouldn't have felt this way until last night's episode in which we learned that Stefan has a thing for Jamie.

Given her aesthetic flaws, the fact that she's a lesbian and her general ambivalence about him, this says the he, too, senses something deeper in Jamie. The man clearly has good taste. Something crucial for any Top Chef.

*********************************************

And as long as we're on Top Chef, the big shocker of the night for me was the fact that it appears that Gail Simmons is Jewish?! WTF!

Sigh... I miss Ted Allen.

Max Gross' head to explode

So it's true!

Eater and Curbed reported this week that 20 Bayard, the new condo building on the Williamsburg side of McCarren Park, is going to host next season's Top Chef!

Local Top Chef enthusiast and real estate reporter, Max Gross, might be seen dining around the local eateries, hoping to catch a glimpse of Padma Lakshmi...

I suspect that one of the following Williamsburg restaurants will be filmed in over the course of the season (in order of most likely) -- so you can expect me to pop into one of those:

Peter Luger, Dressler, DuMont, Diner, Fornino.

Williamsburg gets Top Chef?!

Nobody's confirmed this yet, but Eater is reporting that Top Chef is hosting their next season in Williamsburg! That's too good to be true...

Schlub-Off 2008

So for FSTS's book party, I'm planning on hosting the first annual Schlub-Off Competition. This will mean that I (as, say, the Tom Colicchio of schlubs) will be judging potential schlubs along with one of my hotter female friends (who will serve as Padma).


If you think you're schlubby enough to strut your stuff, email me at maxgrosstheauthor@gmail.com.